


Redistribution

by Tieleen



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Gen, cracky crackity crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-16
Updated: 2013-10-16
Packaged: 2017-12-29 14:18:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,161
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1006422
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tieleen/pseuds/Tieleen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Sir, I wish you'd <em>please</em> focus," Fitz says. Somewhere in a corner of his mind that isn't taken up with more important things, Phil notes that it's amazing he can achieve this level of hyperventilation and still be conscious. "Jemma's already destroyed half of the lab. I have a hole in my chest. OH MY GOD, I HAVE A HOLE IN MY CHEST."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Redistribution

"No," Phil says. "No, I refuse to believe in a world that's capable of this level of unfairness."

"You have never sounded like more of a first grader than you do right now," Melinda informs him.

"You've never _stolen my childhood idol's powers before I could get to them_ ," Phil says. It's possible he wails it. Details are unimportant at the moment.

"Sir, I wish you'd _please_ focus," Fitz says. Somewhere in a corner of his mind that isn't taken up with more important things, Phil notes that it's amazing he can achieve this level of hyperventilation and still be conscious. "Jemma's already destroyed half of the lab. I have a hole in my chest. OH MY GOD, I HAVE A HOLE IN MY CHEST."

"No, no," Skye says, patting his shoulder soothingly. Fitz is apparently too freaked out to seem thrilled about it. "You have amazing machinery in your chest. Engineered by Tony Stark! Haven't you ever wanted to get your hands on Tony Stark's arc reactor? You know he has stuff in there he never put in the general-distribution stuff."

"Well, yes," Fitz says, a little calmer but still deeply unhappy. "I just never wanted to get my hands on it while it was _in me_. Ideally Tony would drop by for a visit and let me have a look -- I'm sure we could cook up some backup for him while I ran some diagnostics --"

"You've thought far too much about this," Melinda says.

"You really have," Skye agrees. "I didn't know you were on a first name basis with Tony Stark. Does he know you're plotting to lure him in and steal his life support?"

"They've never met," Phil says, from the depths of melancholy. Even in the darkest of times, it's his job to know these things.

"It's only a matter of time," Fitz says. The flames of rabid adoration are burning in his eyes. "We're meant to work together."

"I'm pretty sure you're meant to work with the security risk in cell nine," Ward says, coming in. "I don't know whose idea it was that I was a calming influence, but I really don't think it's working."

"I've explained," Fitz says, successfully distracted. "Simmons is a very un-angry person. She's very positive. She just gets... a wee bit over-excited --"

"And you're perfectly qualified to be a squee-nullifier," Skye finishes. "We've been over this. Get back in there, we still have three hours to go."

"Well, she's starting to look a little green," Ward says. "I think I was annoying her. I told her to do some breathing exercises."

"Yes, I'm sure that was very helpful," Fitz snarks. Skye sighs.

"I'll go," Melinda says. "We can probably play cards. Or she can tell me about every molecule she's ever encountered."

"No, don't do that," Skye says. "We're trying to get her _un_ excited. Maybe I should go? You have a very, you know, chill vibe, but I think you might make her kind of flustered."

"Uh, yeah, no," Ward says. "You have the least calming effect I've ever seen in a human being. You make _me_ want to turn green and start throwing things. Plus, if you haven't noticed, FitzSimmons have a gigantic crush on you. 'Flustered' is exactly what you're going to get from her if you go in there and start trying to sweet-talk her."

"We do _not_ have -- WE ARE TWO SEPERATE PEOPLE," Fitz yells.

"You're literally channeling your other half's supernaturally-transferred self-control issues right now," Ward says.

"I AM NOT," Fitz yells. "I HAVE A HOLE IN MY CHEST. THERE ARE LITTLE BITS OF METAL MAKING THEIR WAY INTO MY HEART ONLY STOPPED BY A REALLY TINY AND AMAZINGLY EFFICIENT MAGNET."

"Look at this," Skye says. "You've got him so riled up he's managing to simplify science. You really don't have a calming influence."

"I said that," Ward points out.

"Maybe Coulson should go in," Melinda says, ignoring them all. "How about it, sir? You can tell her all about how you were unjustly robbed of being Captain America for a day. I'm sure she'll feel a lot calmer after that." Phil just glares.

"So that's agreed, then," Ward says, far too casually. "So, I'm going to be at the other end of the Bus if you need me."

Skye narrows her eyes. "Do you really have top marks in espionage? Because you're not very good at it. What are you up to?"

"He wants to set up a virtual shooting range," Melinda says.

That gets even Phil's attention. Fitz stops rubbing at his chest, too, to gawk at her. "What? Barton isn't super-powered."

She shrugs. "You're assuming magic works on rules that make sense."

Fitz huffs. "Magic," he mutters, clearly really meaning 'the indignity'.

"I'm sorry, aren't you already an Olympic-level shot or whatever?" Skye says. "What's so special about this that you're going to build a _shooting range on a plane_ just so you can jerk off to it?"

"That is not how the Olympics work," Ward tells her. "It's also not how virtual ranges work, and also, you wouldn't understand."

Melinda hums in agreement. "Clint's skills are --" she shakes her head and smiles a little. "To be honest, I'm a bit jealous."

"You have _Captain America's powers_ ," Phil feels compelled to point out. They ignore him.

"Is that 'Clint' as in 'we've known each other twenty years' or another one of those 'don't know him at all but dream of drugging him and putting him in my bed' things?" Skye asks.

"I wouldn't do that!" Fitz says, indignant. "There are no drugs involved! I may offer him a whiskey or something."

"Fifteen years," Melinda says. "I threw him off a building once."

There's silence for a moment while they absorb that. "Wow," Skye says, in the end.

Melinda shrugs. "He likes it, really."

They all turn to look at Phil, who shrugs too. What can he say, it's true.

"Sooooo," Skye says, after a few moments of contemplative silence. "Are you going to go shoot imaginary bullets at walls now?"

"Yes," Ward says, petulant. "Are you going to keep throwing that hammer around?"

"I really am," Skye says. "It's awesome."

"You're going to take out a wall."

Skye cocks an eyebrow and throws Mjolnir at his head. The hammer passes to the left and curves back to her half a second later.

"Okay, you're definitely banned from using it," Ward says. "Give me that thing."

Skye plants it on the floor at her side and smirks at him. "You're welcome to take it."

Ward gets a look in his eyes that might well mean he's about to try to. Phil could explain why it's pointless, but Ward should really know better by himself. Also, he's still busy nursing his resentment.

Without their knowledge, over by the middle of the Bus, Simmons gets a brilliant idea about applying mysterious science to further other mysterious science and proceeds to break cell nine.


End file.
